Facing the unknown

There is this quote which says: “If the path you’re walking on looks familiar and is well celebrated, get off quickly and chose again as it’s possibly someone else’s, not yours.” Or something like this. I don’t really remember where I came across this, or who might have said it, but I do remember having read something similar.

And why it is on my mind today, is that I am thrilled with excitement and with a bit of fear from the unknown: I stepped on new roads today from where is not possible to turn back. And I have no clue about these new roads at all. It definitely is mine as no one else can advise me on how to progress. This is the reason why I find it so dreadful.
It is a new beginning, which already developed inside since a while and now takes steps to unfold visibly. A professional change I requested in November 2014 finally becomes possible. Maybe I wasn’t ready before. I had to learn so many things. For example, patience. And also, to set my boundaries.

I am quite an old fox to know that challenges are always replaced with new ones once the current ones are solved, and better to focus on them one-by-one starting with the closest. Still, this particular issue was one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever had. Until today. The foxy thing here is that I also believe we always level up, like in Super Mario game. Or in Candy Crash Saga. So yes, challenges are growing with us I think. I am quite convinced.

Facing this particular issue, I learned a lot. I had to overcome of parts of myself which usually freak out and run away from even a tiny portion of any similar case. So I learned to domesticate my fears and to listen to myself. To reconnect with whatever is inside, and allow it to be; to pause in doing and running around, pause and listen. To feel grounded, nested within myself and being able to follow whatever I believe is plausible and good for my overall being. This means considering all the matrix – desires, passions, dreams to be fulfilled, already existing achievements, responsibilities, carrier, expertise… Finding the right decision in the right moment. Observing and listening, waiting for those whispering answers from inside that lead forward.
It is so incredibly hard to change. Especially from those situations where we earlier accepted a compromise and the situation is not entirely bad. In cases where it’s only with time we realize we need to get away from this “trap”. And things are not easy as an adult, considering all responsibilities, pros and contras… such an all-devouring inner state this can be, when the common ground between the heart and the mind is missing.

I know it is hard. I’ve been there, done that, and I am still learning, progressing. Still, this is what I learned: the most important move I can ever do is to pause, and to listen to myself. Meditation helped me a lot. It still does. What is this process? Consider responsibilities. And let go. Listen again, get deep in the mud of your fears, face them, play with the thoughts – freak out, and let go. Listen to yourself. Listen to the inner doubts, the sick-language of your body, the rough steadiness of that tiny ground which can grow big enough to hold and support: that ever-known sweet and secret voice of your deepest self. Because I’m stocked with myself for eternity.  At least, till the end of my present life. Either-or, this is an incredibly long time, I cannot afford to betray my values, my deepest inner ground anymore. Visible and invisible things I believe in. To stand for those things which makes me who I am.
When I recognize this inner ground which holds and supports me no matter what, I have the power to walk toward my goal, no matter what is going on outside, who and how many others are frightening and pushing me toward other directions.

I feel loved, supported and connected. I don’t know what’s beyond the corner, I have no idea what’s next. It thrills me and excites me and I know that I made the right decision. I am learning and I am grateful, bowing my head to the ground, offering the wisdom of my knees to the soil that I was able to develop the power, stay clean, come out and move on.

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